


Kyle's Boomin' Prison

by KPesh123



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Prison, Bad Writing, Beer, Best Friends, Binge Drinking, Childhood Friends, Cigarettes, College, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Crime Scenes, Crimes & Criminals, Dark Comedy, Drinking, Drugs, Excessive Drinking, Friendship, Fucking, Good Writing, Guns, Hate Crimes, Heavy Drinking, Late Night Writing, Marijuana, New York, New York City, Norway (Country), Organized Crime, Oslo (City), Other, Party, Partying, Porn, Post-Prison, President Donald Trump, Prison, Prison Sex, Rape, References to Drugs, Smoking, Summer, Summer Vacation, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Vodka, Weapons, Whiskey & Scotch, Wine, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPesh123/pseuds/KPesh123
Summary: Kyle and The Boys explore prison life in Norway.  It immediately backfires.
Kudos: 1





	Kyle's Boomin' Prison

**Author's Note:**

> Please make sure to read the other stories of Kyle's Boomin' Adventures.

Kyle’s Boomin Prison

Kyle and the boys were at the beach yet again. After swimming in the water they decided to sit in the sun and dry themselves off. With summertime music such as The Bouncing Souls and The Gaslight Anthem playing, the boys were talking about random topics. These topics ranged from old middle school memories of Malcolm acting like a dumbass to various facts about the world. It got to the point that they were discussing prison conditions throughout Europe.

“Dude have you seen these prisons in Norway? It’s like living on a college campus!!” Gianni said.

“Oh so it’s like living at my school.” Kyle responded, proceeding to laugh.

“If I were to go to prison it would most definitely be in Norway. It’s so much better than the one’s here.” Nick commented.

“Yo less chance of getting raped unless you're Malcolm.” Mark said.

“Bruh fuck off I would survive way longer than you in prison.” Malcolm commented.

“Oh you wanna bet?” Mark replied.

“Bring it tough guy!” Malcolm yelled. 

“Imagine we go all the way to Norway and commit a crime just to see what the prison system is like there.” Kyle remarked.

“I mean, I’m down.” Gianni considered. 

“No cap that would be interesting.” Jay said.

“Are you guys fucking serious? You actually want to go to prison just to see what it’s like? My god you guys are retarded.” Jon exclaimed.

“Fuck off Jon, let us have our fun.” Malcolm replied.

“Alright it’s settled, we are going to Norway just to get sent to prison.” Mark stated.

When the boys went home after their beach day, they got on a group facetime to discuss the prices for flying out to Norway. The boys eventually planned a trip for a week in advance. They would leave Newark Airport and arrive in Oslo Norway. The boys would purposefully get themselves in trouble just so they could go to prison. The boys thought their plan was fool proof. 

A week went by and the boys made it to Oslo Norway. Nothing out of the ordinary happened on the flight there except for the usual debacle where Malcolm groped a flight attendant. This time instead of one flight attendant beating up Malcolm, the entire crew took him into the back of the plane and jumped him. The boys all had headphones on either watching a movie or listening to music, they didn’t even notice Malcolm was gone. Once the flight attendants were done jumping Malcolm, he could barely stand up and was reduced to crawling his way back to his seat. While watching Star Wars Kyle heard moans from the background. Since it was not Revenge of the Sith Kyle knew something was off. Kyle took off the headphones and turned his head to find Malcolm crawling back to his chair, moaning each movement forward.

“Jesus fuck what happened to you?!” Kyle asked.

“God dammit the flight attendants jumped me!!! Never simp Kyle!! Never simp!” Malcolm yelled.

“Yea I don’t. I’m not a perverted fuck like you.” 

“Fuck you!!”

The boys got out of the airport and started walking around the city streets. Since the boys goal was to end up in prison, they didn’t book a hotel. With nothing to do in the city, the boys wandered aimlessly for hours, seeing many Norwegian Black Metal fans with their faces painted black and white. Kyle and Nick felt right at home. Since the boys didn’t want to waste money on a hotel room, they needed to think of a way to get arrested fast. Since the boys were at an airport, they couldn’t bring their guns over to Norway. The boys had to get creative in their scheme to get arrested.

“Malcolm, just start groping a bunch of chicks. That’ll get you arrested.” Jay said to Malcolm.

“Fuck off I just got jumped by a bunch of flight attendants for doing exactly that.” Malcolm responded.

“Malcolm if you are to get anywhere in life you need to have a sense of humility. You must be able to get rid of your dignity because let’s face it you have none to defend.” Mark added.

“Oh you right.” Gianni commented.

“God damnit.” Malcolm responded, accepting his fate.

Right by the boys was a decently looking woman sitting on a public bench. The woman was oblivious to the rest of the world as she cruised Instagram. With his head down Malcolm walked over and sat next to the woman. Malcolm proceeded to squeeze the woman's left breast. The woman looked up at Malcolm, not amused. Malcolm gave a nervous smile trying to play it off as if it were a joke. The woman proceeded to take her purse and beat Malcolm mercilessly. Once Malcolm was on the ground the woman took out a can of pepper spray and maced Malcolm in the eyes. The woman then walked off. Malcolm slowly got up and worked his way back to the boys. Each of the boys had a look of disgust and disappointment on their faces. 

“You know what we’re going to tell you Malcolm.” Kyle said sternly.

“I didn’t try hard enough?” Malcolm asked.

“You didn’t try hard enough.” 

The boys eventually found a sporting goods store with many blunt objects. Since they weren’t in America, baseball bats were not available. Hockey sticks were all over the walls. The boys bought a number of hockey sticks and went to a local hardware store. There they bought crowbars. The boys eventually found a clothing store. Since they were in Norway, the temperature was cold and ski masks were socially accepted. The boys bought black jackets and ski masks. The boys were ready for their mission

The boy's plan was to attempt to rob a bank. While holding everybody up the boys would purposefully take longer so the police would arrest them. With all their accessories the boys went into the closest bank. 

“Alright listen up this is a… what the fuck?” Mark said as he noticed something wasn’t right.

The bank they attempted to rob was already being held up by another group of criminals. The criminals had guns and were pointing them at the boys, shouting in Norwegian. The boys slowly walked out.

“Well that was a bust.” Nick commented.

“Round two.” Jay said as they approached the next bank. 

The boys walked down a block to find another bank that wasn’t already being held up. The boys got everything ready and stormed the bank.

“Alright listen up this is a robbery!!!” Mark yelled.

The boys proceeded to attack the clerks and run for the vault. While they stalled to get the vault open, a customer was able to take Malcolm’s crowbar and attack him with it. After ten minutes of awkward stalling as Malcolm got his ass kicked in, the cops arrived and arrested all of the boys. The boys were sent off to the local police precinct where they were booked.

“You boys are looking at some hard time. Up to ten years.” The cop told the boys.

“Oh no.” Nick said in a sarcastic manner.

“Your court trial is in a week. For now you boys will be shipped off to prison and await your trial.” The cop informed the boys.

The boys were sent to a Norwegian prison. There they each were given a room to themselves. Rooms were the size of a college dorm. Each room had a television, a comfortable single bed, and a desk. The boys were able to go out during the day and do whatever they want. The boys spent their week exploring Oslo and using the prison as their base. The prison food was exquisite, rivalling the top steakhouses found in America. To the boys this was paradise, Kyle felt as if he finally got the college experience he missed out on his first year. Alas judgement day came where the boys were taken to court. The boys walked into a courtroom filled with journalists and other spectators. The boys stood in front of the judge.

“So tell me, why did you boys come all the way from America to rob a bank here in Norway?” The judge asked.

“Guys I got this.” Mark said. “You see your honor. We heard your prisons were the equivalent to luxury hotels where we come from. We had to see for ourselves so we decided to rob a bank and get arrested in order to be sent to your prisons, which I must say is not bad, your honor. Good job.”

“Jesus Christ that’s probably the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard.” The judge responded.

“Thank you!” Jon yelled.

“Shut the fuck up.” Kyle grunted to Jon. 

“Well you boys are going away for ten years.” The judge ordered.

“Fuck yes let’s go!!” Malcolm yelled.

“But unfortunately for you boys, you’re going back to America.” The judge stated.

“FUCK!!!” Mark shouted.

Since the boys were from the United States, their prison sentence was going to be held in America rather than in Norway, thus backfiring their entire plan. The boys were brought onto a plane, escorted by American F.B.I. agents, and sent into the Rikers Island Prison. The boys had watched Beyond Scared Straight many times in their past, they knew what was coming for them. 

Once back at J.F.K. in New York, a prison bus had the boys shipped to Rikers Island. The boys were ordered to walk in a straight line into the main building. Many prisoners looked and heckled the newcomers as a way of intimidating them. The boys were given orange jumpsuits and sent to their designated cells. Kyle was paired with Malcolm, Nick with Gianni, Mark with Jay, and Jon was left rooming with a serial rapist. The boys spent the next few days getting adjusted to prison life. When they had their designated outdoors time, the boys would congregate. 

“You see, we got a few options here. Either we join a gang, become someone’s bitch, or fight the biggest guy here.” Mark said.

“Bet, imma take that big guy over there.” Malcolm said.

“Malcolm you idiot, that’s suicide!” Jay shouted.

Malcolm walked over to the biggest inmate in the yard. The inmate was a seven foot black guy who weighed more than three hundred pounds. The inmate was locked up for going on a mass murdering spree in the ghettos of Camden New Jersey. Malcolm walked up to the inmate and attempted to punch him in the face. Malcolm’s punch didn’t even move the inmates jaw. The inmate grabbed Malcolm with one hand and moved him onto his back side. The inmate proceeded to rape Malcolm in front of the entire jail yard as to assert his dominance. Malcolm was left crying on the ground. 

“You’re my bitch now.” The inmate whispered into Malcolm’s ear.

The boys stood in shock as they had just witnessed a prison rape for the first time. The boys came to the realization that they had to bust their way out, but they didn’t know how. The boys spent the next few days surviving in prison. During one of the days, Kyle got a visitor.

“God fucking damnit why are you here?!” Kyle asked frustrated. 

“Haha you’re now in jail boomer!” Nancy Drew shouted happily.

“Why the fuck are you here?” 

“I just wanted to rub it in your face that you’re in jail, also I miss you.” 

“Unless you’re busting us out then fuck off.”

“Did you get raped yet?”

“Ight I’m done.” Kyle said standing up walking away. 

“Haha Kyle got raped!” Nancy shouted laughing. 

Kyle got up and left the room. The boys were in the yard figuring out a way to escape. The best way they could think of was to do what Andy Dufresne did and dig their way out. Every night each of the boys would take turns etching a hole into their wall. By morning they would be back in their cells with the holes covered by different posters. After many nights of digging and wandering the yard dropping rocks from their pants, as well as witnessing Malcolm get raped everyday, the boys were able to dig their way under the building. Once under the building, the boys had to dig their way to the shores of the island. Kyle had befriended a Guyanese gang who gave him the gang name Guyanese Disease. Together they dug a network of tunnels to the shore of Rikers Island where the Guyanese Mafia were ready on boats to take the boys down to Georgetown Guyana.

Once in Georgetown, the boys were given the nicest house in the entire city, which was even shittier than Malcolm’s house back in Parkersville. However since the government was so corrupt Kyle became the king of the country and was able to make his way into the Guyanese Presidents office. With guns pointed on the president, Kyle made an important phone call.

“Hello, this is President Trump.” Trump said answering the phone.

“Listen Donny, you need to pardon me and the boys.” Kyle demanded.

“Now why would I do that? That seems like a very bad deal. Very very bad.” Trump asked.

“If you don’t then I’ll expose the fact that you had Alexandria Ocasio Cortez willingly dress half naked on a leash waiting to perform any of your sexual desires.” 

“I’d take that as a flex but you guys are chill, I’ll let you go.”

“Bet.” 

Along with help from Kanye West, the boys were given a presidential pardon and were sent back to America. The media was in an all out uproar, dumbfounded that the boys, who had clearly committed a crime, were off scott free. The Boof Brigade along with many other protesters greeted the boys at the gate when they arrived back to Newark. The boys dressed themselves in fur coats skinned from baby deer and million dollar sunglasses and shoes. The boys flipped off the socialists as they walked out of the gate into their limo which sent them back to Parkersville. The boys had officially survived prison. 

  
  


I hope you enjoyed my boomin prison. Don’t fuck with us. 

  
  



End file.
